I have the great pleasure of working in an organisation where I am surrounded by awesome 'rock' people. Hell, by association only, I have managed to rub shoulders with Sydney's 'rock' elite and sometimes they let me be seen in public with them. IF I walk ten paces behind at all times.
I cornered my co-worker, Aimee-Lee, who was approached in our staff kitchen. A colleague unknown to the both of us approached her (timidly, of course) and told her she always looked "So Rock," which made Aims half-smile. This is a big compliment in the rock world. Then said colleague and I both watched in total awe as she carried on making her fair-trade-rainforest-friendly green tea.
In awe of such recognition, I asked if she would let me interview her. She sighed, rolled her eyes and said "Whatever," before taking scissors to her fringe to make it just that little bit blunter.
Rarrie: Hi Aimee-Lee!
Aimee-Lee: Hi.
How are you?
Fucking tired. I'm so hungover.
Oh. Well that's no good you silly goose!
...
Sorry to disturb you. Is it cool if we do that interview?
*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*
Rad! So tell me, You have been classified as “so rock and roll” in the staff kitchen. Do you know why?
There are a lot of reasons. To start with, I wear really cool clothes – tight jeans, band t-shirts... anything black or with rips. I also avoid making eye contact with anyone which gives me an air of superiority synonymous with being rock. This isn’t even something I do consciously but something that occurs very naturally to me, because I know that no one else in the staff kitchen is actually worth looking at (with the exception of a few of my “rock colleagues”).
Like me?
No.
Oh. Okay! Well, in THAT case? How does a real rock chick respond to compliments?
As if you hear them all the time – which I do.
I see. Can you tell the readers of Rarried Away how a real rock chick like you should wear their hair?
You can either wash it and straighten it so you look like a hardcore bitch, or you can leave it unwashed and messy which is how I have mine right now. Invest in some dry shampoo – it stops your hair going greasy whilst allowing you to maintain the “i just rolled out of bed after smoking heaps of joints all night rolled for me by several ridiculously sexy male gimps who want me cos i’m so rock” look. I also find the Fudge range is extremely good for looking trendily nonchalant about your appearance, despite having sculpted your hair for 45 minutes that morning and making regular trips to the bathroom for touch ups.
Gee you'd never know. So Aims, I'm a pretty cheery person. But no-one has ever told me that I look 'so rock right now'. Is it because I look happy? Is it okay for a rock chick to look happy?
The cardinal rule of rock is to look like you don’t care about anything. The only time it’s ok to look happy is when you take your stimulus package into a sweet guitar store and buy yourself a hot new ax courtesy of the government who you’ve been writing angsty, defamatory songs about.
Wow. So I guess you're a real rock chick then huh?
Get fucked.
...
...
Kay. So, in a few words, can you define something that is "so not rock?"
Paper, Scissors.
Oh LOL. You are so funny Aims!
...
Onto the serious stuff. Say I wanted to be rock like you, what bands would I listen to?
They’re all so obscure you wouldn’t have heard of them, and if I actually tried to enlighten your musical experience by sharing them with you they wouldn’t be cool anymore.
Gee. It's a real process isn't it?
...
Anyhoo. I notice when I, and less cool workmates, are enjoying pub lunch steaks at the Grand Hotel, you opt to eat your own lunch which is usually tofu and vegetables. Should a true rock chick be a vegetarian?
That’s a hard one. You can either be a rock chick who doesn’t give a fuck about anyone or you can be a do-gooder rock chick who uses her powers of persuasion to educate people about things like animal rights and the environment. Personally I am a big fan of nature and I often take psychedelic drugs to be more in touch with the natural world and all of its creatures (taking drugs is a very rock thing to do) so I tend not to eat the animals I catch up with while I’m trippin’. But you do have to be careful not to become one of those annoying vegetarian rockstars ala Daniel Johns or Moby.
Even I know Moby sucks. But he was pretty good at Splendour a few years back!
...
Alrighty then, so if I were a rock chick and I wanted to get any sort of job, what sort of job to support my rad band, would be considered rock enough as an occupation?
Anything that provides you with the money and the time to get coke, bitches, and sweet instruments.
No surprises there. So Aims, what is your most rock acheivement to date?
I played a festival in England with one of my favourite bands who were total junkies and smoked heroin before going on stage and yelled at me for taking photos of them. That was pretty rock.
Woah. That sounds really wacky and crazy.
Don't say wacky ever again.
uh, okay, I swear I won't. Please don't hate me?
...
Well, getting close to the end now. Wrapping up, what sort of company should a rock chick keep?
Rock chicks should be comfortable hanging out solo but should also surround themselves with other creative types to steal ideas off. It’s particularly useful to hang out with obscure indie-no-hopers who smoke a lot of pot and won’t notice when you rip off their riffs and steal their lyrics.
Oh haha. That's so clever. Hey I wrote this really awesome song, do you wanna jam with me sometime after work?
...
Get back to me. K, so, finally, how else can I refer to you besides rock chick?
Your idol.
Sweet. Well, thanks so much for your time Aimee-Lee. I'll let you get back to it! Hey! What are you putting in your tea?
Tequila.
Oh.
